Did you know there was an International Self-Care Day? I did not until very recently.

In all honesty, I thought this was a bit curious. The concept of self-care seems to have really taken off over the last 30 or so years. As a therapist, I am completely bought in to the idea of taking steps to ensure your well-being. The meme of securing your own oxygen mask first is one I find completely valid and relatable.

However, it sometimes feels there is an underbelly to this movement that is less helpful.

Specifically, I recall being a young mother with an infant who apparently ran on absolutely zero sleep, being bombarded with advice on self-care. Rather than feeling soothed by the concept, I felt this was just one more area in which I was failing to find that elusive life and then work/life balance. Candle-lit bubble baths seemed a ridiculous goal when going to the bathroom alone was still an aspirational one.

Self-care, rather than being an act of self love, has occasionally devolved into another to do item on the list and another source of guilt and blame. “If only I had prioritized my self-care, I would be able to cope better with the 20 million things I need to do and not have gotten sick. “ Not doing self-care becomes a personal failure.

More recently, I am also concerned to see what I call the commodification of self-care. Very often self-care seems to translate to spending small mortgage payments on skin care items, fitness programs, fillers and Botox. Now don’t get me wrong, a trip to the spa can do my heart and soul a great deal of good. However, I am less sure self-care exactly equals a relentless preoccupation with minimizing my pores or perfecting my physique. Self care and self-improvement projects are not the same thing.

So what is self care then, if it is not something I need to buy or cram into an already overwhelmed calendar?

First, I need to acknowledge that there is an element of time. We need to give ourselves grace that these time elements may just be the odd minute in the most challenging circumstances. That time is needed to take a breath and remember that we exist not just as a response to the wants and needs of others. Self-care can be brief and this is also an instance where even making an effort counts, because intentions matter. A few deep breaths, a mindfulness moment, a conscious decision to take a moment outside…all of these count and, as examples of awareness of one’s self as a unique & valuable entity, are in fact the necessary core of self care.

After that, there is lots of choice. Time actually is a great gift and there is value in pencilling yourself into the calendar, even if you have to take someone else’s wants out. Time to exercise, to go for a walk, to do something that is for your physical good is important. Just as much so for those other soul nurturing activities. A coffee or a chat with a friend, a bit of quiet time reading or playing Sudoku, an indulgence or treat of some sort, these are all good possibilities.

You can tell your self care activity or time is good for you when it helps you feel more connected to your self as a human being. The crux of self-care is taking enough time to remember that you are an important individual with needs and wants of your own that require attention. People who are getting their own needs met can more easily engage in the well-being of others. Self-care isn’t a competitive sport and if it makes you feel like you’re not good enough, a reset is needed.

So as we celebrate the importance of self-care, let’s make sure we understand the true essence of the concept. Self-care must remind us that we are already enough.

I encourage you to find a way to do one good thing for yourself that helps satisfy a personal need. If I were to offer a suggestion, I would encourage you to think about our human need for connection. Do something that helps you feel connected with someone else or feel more connected to yourself. You are important and your needs matter.